Testimony of Troy L.

Written by Prison Alpha attendee Troy L.
July 11, 2003

Copyright
This article is copyright by Troy L. A limited copyright has been granted to permit posting on this web site and within the local Alpha program only. To obtain reprint authorization, please contact one of the Alpha Coaches who will relay your message to the author.

Dear Friends:

I would like to share with you some things that I learned while attending Alpha.

One Saturday at Alpha, the group was watching a video about Healing (the healing power of God). While I was watching the video, I kept asking myself What would I ask God to heal me of? Many things came to mind. At the time, I felt my life was in shambles. I'm incarcerated. I have an addiction problem. I miss my family and so on. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that my life has been a terrible mess. If I think about my early childhood, there are not many times when my life seemed normal. I grew up in foster homes and at times I was the recipient of abuse and neglect. As I grew up, I started creating my own problems with alcohol and drugs. I lived on the streets at age twelve and began stealing. I felt the street was safer and more welcoming than most of the foster homes I lived in. Because of my stealing and truancy, I finally found myself in training schools across Ontario. For the past fourteen years, history has repeated itself with my addiction and life in institutions across Canada. As I thought about these things and write about them, I feel my heart filled with shame and guilt. If anything, I wanted to ask God to take away the shame I feel.

After the video, our Group Leader suggested we take some time to listen to God speaking to us — we may see or think about something in our minds — a word, color or picture that means something to someone there while he played some music. My mind, being where it was, I began to think about how my life could have been if my father would have been a part of my early childhood and what if I had felt love and affection. And my thoughts began to change — I thought about my father now and how our relationship is and how things could be different. Maybe if I put a little faith and trust in my father, maybe with his support and love, my life could begin to change. I continued planning and thinking of things I could do differently when I get released this time.

After the music was over, the Group Leader asked if people would care to share. Someone talked about water and another talked about fishing. And I thought to myself — Cool — that is something I can do with my father when I get home. Then a woman who volunteers with Alpha began to explain how she saw a little boy around 5 or 6 hiding behind two dumpsters and she went on to describe how she felt his pain and how the boy was afraid. Then a second volunteer described the same horrifying description of this little boy who was alone and frightened. The picture they described was horrifying because I could identify with it. The image they had both seen was me — the self-image that I had of myself.

All my life I felt that I was no good — nobody wanted me or could love me. I was an outcast. As I listened and realized this, I began to get scared — scared to the point that my body began to shake and my stomach felt sick. I wanted to leave the room right away. I was scared and I could not figure out how these two women that I never knew before except at Alpha know these things about me? It really scared me. When it was time for us to break up into small groups and share with each other. I decided to join the group with these two volunteers. I was glad that someone else decided to talk first because I felt I was going to be sick. I was sure that they would think I was weird so I sat and listened to the other fellow's story and tried to pull myself together. Then one of the volunteers turned to me and asked me what I thought or felt. I felt the fear rise in me but I took a deep breath and began to explain how I identified with her story. I told about how I grew up in foster homes and how I felt that that little boy was me. The fear lifted and it was replaced with sadness. There were only a few minutes to talk but I remember she asked me if she could pray for me. I felt the tears sting the back of my eyes.

I was overwhelmed that a person who does not know me or know anything about my past wants to pray for me. She does not judge me — she just wants to pray with me to ask God to save me and come into my life and to remove the pain. As she prayed for me, something came into my heart — in the first time in a long time, I felt at ease with myself. I felt as if a weight was being lifted off my shoulders. As we finished, I thanked God for bringing me to Alpha. I have felt more alive and cared about — these wonderful people truly care about me and the other men in the room. On the way back to the Dorm, I told another inmate that I really had a good experience today at Alpha. I have thought about this day ever since and I came to realize that no matter how hard or tough my life has seemed, God has been by my side all along. I only regret not seeking Him sooner.

Alpha has taught me about Christ and friendship — about people who are honest and sincere in the things that they say and do. I would trade all my days to feel how I did that day at Alpha. God showed me His love through a complete stranger and I choose now to live my life for Christ and have a chance at happiness.

I hope that someone can benefit from what I have said and make a decision to come to the Lord.

God bless you and thank you to the Alpha volunteers at O.C.D.C.